(RNS) — It’s most likely happened to each of us — someone we love leaves the church. There are instances all through the scriptures. Adam and Eve and Cain. Alma and Alma the Younger. Emma Smith and her children. It can lead to a lot of negative feelings like shame, judgment, fear and heartbreak, but I believe those feelings don’t have to stay with us.
It happened to me, too. All three of my kids left The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There was a lot to learn, and none of it was easy. Here’s what I’ve learned along the way.
1. Don’t blame yourself.
It is only natural to immediately ask what you did wrong — especially in a church that asks us to do a lot. Many of us blame ourselves or family members, thinking we should have had family prayer, scripture study or family home evening more often.
Sometimes we make the mistake of treating our loved ones’ faithfulness as a personal goal or badge of honor. Every time I hear “All five of our children have served missions and been married in the temple” from the pulpit, I cringe. Life isn’t a checklist, and our family members aren’t badges of honor.
Nor are they badges of shame. I once heard a faithful and wonderful brother make a comment in Elders Quorum but then quickly say: “But what do I know? My kids have left the church.” It’s not a stain on your reputation. It doesn’t diminish your faith or value.
The fact is, there is this wonderful and horrible thing called agency, which allows people to make their own choices. Try as we may to circumvent it, to guarantee our loved ones will make the choices we want them to make, we can’t. Even families who have family home evenings every week, and prayer and scripture study every day, have members who choose not to be part of the church anymore. Blaming ourselves or others is wasted energy and will prevent us from moving forward.
2. Love them with the pure love of Christ.
The best thing we can do when someone we love chooses to leave the church is to keep loving them as if nothing has changed.
That can mean different things to different people. It’s very easy to believe that trying to get someone to realize they’ve made the wrong choice is a way to show love. But I believe what’s required here is the pure love of Christ — love with no agenda, no conditions.
As an example, Elder M. Russell Ballard answered this question from a church member: “If I have family or friends who are less active, how far do I go in my attempts to bring them back?”
Ballard responded: “My answer is please do not preach to them. Your family members or friends already know the church’s teachings. They don’t need another lecture! What they need — what we all need — is love and understanding, not judging.”
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf made a similar point in his great talk, “Come, Join With Us”:
“One might ask, ‘If the gospel is so wonderful, why would anyone leave?’ Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful.
Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations. Some of our dear members struggle for years with the question whether they should separate themselves from the church.
In this church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restored by a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth. It may break our hearts when their journey takes them away from the church we love and the truth we have found, but we honor their right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as we claim that privilege for ourselves.”
A year after two of our kids already told us they wouldn’t be participating in church anymore, the third told me she wanted to talk. Said she was really scared to say this, but she was leaving the church too.
Then she started to cry as she said, “But I saw how the other two left and you and mom still loved them, so … ” I embraced her as tight as I could, and let her know of course we loved her and always would, no matter what. I don’t know if I’ve ever been closer to that child than in that moment of honesty and love.
We need to understand the decision to leave is difficult and painful. Our loved ones who make that decision need to know our love is constant, agenda-less and unconditional like the Savior’s. That we can believe different things and be as close as we ever were — and in some cases, even closer. That we are there to listen, not try to talk them out of it. As Ballard said, they need our love and understanding, not lectures and judgment.
Often, those who leave the church feel a lot of resentment, which sometimes they feel inclined to share, along with everything else they think is wrong about the church. This is when you might be tempted to get into a debate. But it’s not the time, unless you think winning a debate is more important than keeping a relationship with your loved one. Just listen. Then, if they ask why you continue to stay, let them know why.
I had that moment with both of my daughters, and we haven’t had a negative conversation about the church since. I think it was because I first focused on listening, not debating. It was so hard. I’m really good at debate! But it would’ve been a disaster.
3. Don’t be heartbroken. Have faith that God has a plan for all of his children.
Our loved ones don’t need to feel like they’ve broken our hearts. I know it’s painful, but we can’t make this all about us, about our hurt. And if we really understand the gospel of Jesus Christ, I believe there’s no need to be heartbroken.
Early on with my kids, I saw the writing on the wall. They never completely fit in at church, so I prepared myself. And yes, it was hard, and sometimes it’s still hard — but it’s not the end of the world, and we shouldn’t make them feel like it is. That’s not fair.
I know immediately the concern is our loved ones’ personal salvation, or that our family will no longer be together forever. There’s a horrible irony that in this church that preaches “families are forever,” we sometimes feel unbearable sadness because that teaching leads us to believe that in some cases, they aren’t.
But I don’t believe in “sad heaven,” and I don’t think it is what our doctrine teaches. As Paul said in 1 Corinthians, one of my favorite scriptures: “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” We don’t really know what it’s going to be like in the next world or who’s going to end up where. We have to trust that God will figure it out — that it’s going to be great and we’re going to love it, whatever it is.
Currently, over 99.5% of the people on this planet are not members of our church. That’s a lot. So, if someone we love leaves the church, they are merely joining that group. Do we think God doesn’t have a plan for those 99.5%? Of course he does! He loves them all. We need to have faith that he has a plan for those we love.
It feels like the history of religion is a continual pattern of someone saying, “Here’s how it is,” and then God stepping in to say, “Actually, my love is bigger than that.”
“Here’s who are the chosen people.” — “No. My love is bigger than that.”
“Here’s who we should preach the gospel to.” — “No. My love is bigger than that.”
“Here’s who can have the priesthood and go to the temple.” — “No. My love is bigger than that.”
Composer Cinco Paul. (Photo by Pat Martin)
So, if someone you love has left the church and you’re worried about their status in the next world and heaven being sad, just remember: God’s love is bigger than that.
It’s my prayer that we can all try to follow Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father’s examples, and let our love be bigger than that.
(Cinco Paul is a screenwriter, composer and creator of films such as “Despicable Me,” “The Secret Life of Pets“ and the Apple TV+ series “Schmigadoon!” The views expressed in this commentary do not necessarily reflect those of Religion News Service.)
